While Millions Join the Theme

Fragmented reflection...

2011-08-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yet in Christ I learn to...

Yet despite the outcomes I see (the outcomes I think I don't see) In Christ I learn to expend more and more, and feel more and mroe deeply for each person instead of learning to keep them out of my heart...

Through the suffering in our hearts for others, regardless of the return, enlarges our hearts.

Our hearts are enlarged by loving others without return...

and it's enough for me to continue the pursuit of a broken heart, a whole heart, a wholly broken heart.

Doodles

2011-08-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

I sometimes have spontaneous moments of inspiration to sketch, and sometimes I really like what comes out, even though it's usually not complete. To me, sketching is the only thing I can do with the expectation that I'm going to succeed every time, and it's very personal to me. There is never a moment when I'm not learning how to be a better visual artist. I discovered this after several years without sketching at all and then when I picked it up again, I realized that my sketching was better and more mature than before. I decided that this is because I am always studying with my eyes. A good visual artist is simply a good seer. Now if only I could apply this to music...Music can be frustrating because it's there, and then it's gone. You can't take it back and touch up. In that respect, I think music is the most difficult and elusive art form...Maybe someday I will do some real visual artwork, like this painting by Abraham Janssens called "Jupiter Rebuked by Venus."

I sketched this when I visited the Chicago Arts Museum last spring break. I was there for a week attending seminars by Cliff Colnot's mentor Cliff Madsen. The hotel was provided for by Cliff as well as the fees for the seminar. He's awesome.

This is a result of being bored in theory review for grads. We were learning about phrygian half cadences. WillI ever be a true music geek? It seems my passions are divided...
This was done during a class on Latin American music. Extremely interesting class -- guess I was just inspired.

Love, is completely assured in who you are

2011-04-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

While writing this, I listened to David Crowder: "You are my Joy"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU_5RmW3P4k

There are some people who see the surface, they see coventions and keep tabs of when those conventions are broken. There are others who see the depths -- they look at the comprehensive view. They SEE. They are immovable. Their gaze is steady. one sees your faults, your past mistakes and expects you to remain, and operate within the lines that those faults have drawn around the identity that person holds of you. But the other in essence, only sees love. Their eyes ARE love and they hold nothing over you, expecting only to grow nearer to you and in understanding of who you truly are. They set no limits on the person in front of them. The person in front of them could have no idea who they are, utterly lacking in confidence, racked by doubts of their abilities and worth, and even acting in a less than admirable way, but with repeated exposure to those eyes that only gaze on them steadily, not doubting, totally assured of what they see, a curious thing begins to happen -- that doubtful creature transforms into what that assured person sees, though it was already there to begin with. The doubtful person is susceptible to becoming whatever others see in them. Are we not all doubtful creatures? If we are not at times, then we are either completely realized by love, or by pride. Oh that our eyes would be mirrors to the people in front of us of the beauty that the Creator has placed in them!

"Love keeps no record of wrongs" 2 Cor. 13

A Prayer

2011-04-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yahveh be the song of my heart be the divine spark of inspiration in my art and in any other endeavor forever under the thunderous power of your hand.

Lost & Found

2011-04-20T12:44:00.001-07:00

(While writing this post I listened to "Wonder of the World" by Rush of Fools

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P93a713V820)

"Dude, God keeps track of your wallet. There is probably one less angel fighting because he's assigned to keep track of the things you lose." I think this is probably true. I think God really does have a special angel assigned to me that keeps track of my belongings. I mean, come on, I have plenty of experiences to prove it. Not everything gets returned to me, but if it's my wallet, my phone, my coat, or my keys -- the important stuff -- then yeah, it's always returned to me. Basically every single time I leave Bloomington, you can assume that I am going to lose one, or any combination of those items. The opening statement was said by my friend Josiah, after he witnessed the loss and return of my wallet three times while I was in California.
When I was in Chicago last summer I lost it twice.
This Spring Break I was in Kansas City, Missouri for the ASTA conference where I lost my coat -- containing my keys and my wallet -- just before heading back to Bloomington. I was about to leave with the other ladies I carpooled with, when I realized I was cold and therefore wanted my coat, but by that time it was too late, and they were pressed for time. So, I swallowed my pride, sent up a prayer, and embraced the peace of God because I knew it was going to be returned to me eventually, just like so many times before. And it was.
This last time, it was my phone. And when it was returned to me, I was like, 'ok that's it. I have to write about this because the grace I receive in this way is ridiculous.'...plus it makes for good stories...plus I have learned so much from these reoccuring experiences, that processing it all is a must.
So I lost my phone about two days ago. I suspected that I dropped it outside somewhere between the music school library and my apartment. When I retraced my steps I had no luck, and the next two nights it's rained like crazy, so I pretty much gave it up for good -- in my mind, but not in my spirit. Last night I fell asleep while working on a group project that we were to have finished by today, so I skipped conducting class to work on it. I told my dear friend Kornilios that I wasn't going to be in class, but he wanted to convince me to go, so he called me. The thing was, Kornilios was standing right next to my phone when he called. Yeah. It was in the library lost and found. When it rang, one of the desk workers picked it up and looked at it. Somehow Kornilios made the connection. (I'm not real clear on that part!) Coincidence? No way.
Losing things is actually a big part of my life. It's a part of my life that causes me to deal with a lot of shame, embarrassment, and frustration. It's caused me to doubt myself, and it's tied in with lack of confidence in myself...But now I'm starting to like it. Now I'm starting to see it as beautiful. Should I try to change? Lord knows how hard I've worked at establishing preventative measures, and I think I can even say that I've made some progress -- like always putting things in the same place, and making a habit of looking behind me whenever I leave a place -- but it's so deep. It's so tightly knit into the way I process things and view the world, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to change, really. So for now, I will just be thankful that my Daddy cares.
II Corinthians 12:9-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (NIV).

The Message Version:
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

Listening to the Amelie Soundtrack...

2011-01-27T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's 8:26pm. I'm supposed to be doing homework. As I gaze at the objects in my room -- boots, belt, hat on the floor, my fish, plant, music stand, Scripture on the wall, unfinished paintings, stacks of books and CDs, and big posters with long term goals...there is one that is not like the rest. It's looking at me and questioning me. A piece of paper neglected because somehow I am not able to hang it up outside on the streets where it belongs, not because I want to keep it, but because the reality it represents has simply frozen me. The broken, clenched heart of the man who delivered it should be enough motivation for me to fulfill the task he gave me. It seems so long ago...She was already a phantom then...but there it remains and it baffles me. A beautiful face smiling at me, big doe brown eyes, framed in long straight brown hair, captioned with a big question mark, and amidst the objects in my room, creates an eerie juxtaposition. Maybe I've kept it because I don't want to accept the reality, maybe I've kept it because I'm just lazy, maybe I've kept it because somehow I think it's no use anyways, or maybe I've kept it because I'm afraid of slowing down.

"God offends our minds to reveal our hearts" - Mike Bickle

2011-01-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

John 21:17
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.

Imagination -- Your secret world into which only One other is allowed (make it good)

2011-01-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

"At the end of the day when you close your eyes, it's just you, and Him. Nobody else can get into that sacred space. You may have video and audio of who you've seen and who you've been with throughout the day plaguing your mind and your dream life and that whole inner world -- that dialogue. You know, we waste so much of that sacred dialogue talking to other people in our minds and they can't even hear it! You're always talking. Everyone is saying something in their head, right now. There's always a picture, there's always a dialogue, always. I mean the mind is bizarre. You can't turn it off; it never ever stops, and it never ever will. You have a whole world inside of you. I mean, it's like a universe of worlds out int this auditorium. You don't know what your neighbor's thinking or who they're talking to in their head right now. You can't get in there. You know who is there? God. That's where He lives...That dialogue -- God created you, in His jealousy -- He made you, for prayer. He made you for communion. He designed the human frame for Himself...He didn't make a mistake. He gave you an imagination and a brain that won't stop and then [He says you have to overcome it all?] No! He created your mind and He created that inner dialogue so that you could pray..."
- Misty Edwards
Onething Conference '10

Pigeon Hill

2010-11-03T04:47:00.000-07:00

Halloween night confirmed a vision I had back in the summer of '08, and countless prayers in between. The vision occurred when my friends and I "went homeless" for a week. We did a lot of prayer walking, and one of the places was Pigeon Hill. This is what Wikipedia says about Pigeon Hill: "Pigeon Hill is the common name for the very poor neighborhood near Crestmont Park. It is famous for being Bloomington's "bad" district, although no more than about five blocks wide and three deep, running roughly from 11th Street to 17th Street west of Rogers Street."
We were at the edge of the Hill in front of the 7 Eleven, when I started thinking, 'what if prayers are like water,' and I pictured God's glory and the prayers of the saints on Pigeon Hill pouring down the Hill like a waterfall into the rest of the city. I prayed for revival on Pigeon Hill.

Fast forward to 2010, a Monday night, beginning of October. A small band faithfulof warrior saints is in the basement of the Pourhouse cafe on Kirkwood. The bunker, the "Prayer Room," is a tiny cement walled room, exposed piping on the ceiling, but it's new carpet and new green paint are signs of a hope for something to come, something great. That night it was only myself, Sarah, Colleen, and Kenyon, but in the Kingdom of God, one quickly learns that Holy Spirit is what makes something big, and He is not tame. He decided to speak passionately that night. It started with Kenyon's heart moved to pray for the Hill. Immediately, I was moved to pray for Halloween night. The two of us were touched with the fire of God, and I began weeping. After Sarah brought the two hours to a close she said, "man, I think we definitely need to get a prayer walk going on Halloween night! That was it intense, it came out of nowhere!"

The day before Halloween, Sarah's words rang in my head. On October 31 after church, I called Kenyon. I tried calling several other brothers and sisters, but they were all busy. I wasn't deterred, instead I had a peace that it was going to be exactly how God wanted it to be. Kenyon picked me up at around 6pm in the "vanimal" -- Salvation Army's great big 12 passenger van. :)

We prayed once in the van before hitting the streets. There weren't a lot of people out trick-or-treating, just a few here and there. I ran into two of my violin students from Fairview dressed as GIJoes. As we walked and prayed, one of the first prayers that I felt very strongly in my heart was for the elderly women of faith in the community needing encouragement. Eventually, we made our way to the 7Eleven. Kenyon seemed very purposeful in walking in to talk to the cashier. She was a middle aged, heavy set woman, tired looking. We asked her what we could pray for, and she gave the answer that is very typical of strangers being asked for prayer requests, "Oh, nothing, I'm good. Just pray for me in general." So we walk out and begin praying for her. I felt led to pray that she would know that she is beautiful, and that God sees her as beautiful. Kenyon asked, "Do you think that prayer is from you, or from God?"
"Well, at this point, it's hard for me to tell the difference! God, I think."
"Because it really struck a chord in me, and I'm wondering if we should go back and tell her. Well, Father I just pray that if you want us to speak to her again, lead us back to her before we go back home."

So we continue on. Eventually we turn a corner, and almost immediately I sense that something is powerfully different in the spiritual realm, as if I had crossed a threshold. It felt like a powerful force was emanating from the house to our right, and I felt it most strongly in the back of my head, almost like a pressure. "Woah, Kenyon, do you feel that?"
"Feel what? No."
"This is so weird. I feel something so powerful. This place is so different from the rest of the Hill. I don't know what it is. Can we stop to pray?"
As we walk to the end of the block, I peer into the window of the house. In the window is a display of a sizeable collection of angel figurines. We stop on the top of two little steps, and turn around to face the house. My suspicions were of New Age practices. Not knowing what else to think, I start praying against witchcraft. The force I feel in my head, never lessons as I pray.
"I don't know," I say. So we turn around and continue on. Directly in front of us are two men sitting on a stoop. I recognize one of them as a homeless guy I had prayed with before at Renovo, and we exchange warm greetings. We chat a little, and find that he was supposed to be in New Orleans that day to work, but it fell through, and now he feels down on his luck. Both of them are open to prayer at the end of our conversation. His friend is very silent the whole time, and shakes his head when we ask him if he has any specific prayer requests. As I gaze on him, I feel led to ask him, "You have family, don't you?" He nods. "You have a daughter, don't you?" He nods. "Okay, we're going to pray for your daughter." Kenyon then asks him something to the effect of whether he sees her often or not. He replied that she is in Indianapolis and that he hasn't seen her in awhile. I ask Kenyon to open us in prayer. When I start praying over this man and his daughter, I pray without inhibition. I don't remember exactly what I prayed, except that I said that she misses him, and I prayed for deeper love in their relationship. As we made our farewells, I noticed his face was changed. His eyes were shining and in his silence he looked rather shocked. Having no idea how this really effected him, I just hoped that God had really touched him.
As we begin to leave, I ask Kenyon if we can go back the way we came because, "I want to see if I get that feeling again. I want to experiment to see if it's really something there, or if it's just me." So we head back, and sure enough; just before the step, it hits me. Again, as if I had crossed some sort of threshold.
"Ahhh. There it is again. Woah, it is so strong. This is SO weird Kenyon! What is that?!"
He is staring at the house calmly while I'm flipping out. "That house is special," he said.
"Is it a good feeling or a bad feeling?" I ask."Good," he replies. "It has a warmth."

Now that our curiosity is fully aroused, we draw nearer to the house.
"Maybe we should knock on the door," he suggests.
"Yeah, why not? It's Halloween."Kenyon knocks. We wait for a long time as dogs start barking. Finally the door opens a crack to reveal a plump elderly woman dressed in her night gown and her gray hair in a bun. There is momentary mild chaos as one of the dogs gets through the door and she tries to push them back inside, and we try to explain over the dogs barking wildly that we aren't trick-or-treaters and we don't really know why we knocked on the door. As this is going on, behind us a stout man, well-dressed in all black comes walking through the parking lot towards us. He looks concerned. "Hello, can I help you?" He calls out.
"Oh, is this your house?" I ask.As he replies that yes it is, he arrives on the front porch next to us. The powerful force is stronger in their presence. It's full of light, and now I recognize that these are holy people, and that the powerful force is in fact from God, His Holy Spirit and His angels. The man explains to us that he doesn't celebrate "the devil's holiday" and that he just came from church. We explain that we don't either, and that we were on a prayer walk when we felt really drawn to their house. By this point, the man opens up, and says, "Well when I was over at church, the Holy Spirit told me to go home early. It's still goin' on right now, and normally I stay to talk with people." By this point, Kenyon is super excited, and I am so giddy that I can't stand up, so I sit down on the front porch chair. The man introduces himself as Brother Grey, and his wife as Sister Grey. He asks us what church we go to, and then proceeds to give us a brief sketch of his life story. We find that he has lived there on the Hill his entire life, and that he grew up in the church, went wayward for awhile in his youth, and then came to the Lord, and is now the only committed Christian household he knows of on the Hill. "Yep, people know us, and they know that our home is always open, and sometimes they come in for prayer." He goes on to talk about how it's the Last Days and we have to get ready for the Lord's return, and how the Lord miraculously brought a man over from Nigeria to their church to speak prophetically over the Hill, and that he collected and passed out 80 Bibles single-handedly on the Hill not to long ago. "Brother Ro...something," he fishes around for the name.
"Oh!! Brother Rotimi! You mean Brother Rotimi!" I exclaim.
"Yes, that's the one! The one who got a zip code from the Holy Spirit and it led him all the way from Nigeria to our church!"
"Ohhhh, that was your church! Yep, I went to one of his teachings on healing."
We then found out that we had other mutual acquaintances, including Pastor Harden and Rabbi Hevia.
With great joy, we agreed to go inside to pray together before parting. Inside was full of warmth and glow. It was an incredibly small space, which almost seemed to accentuate the greatness of God in that humble place. Sister Grey appeared from the hallway to join us in the living room. She introduced herself as Caroline. In suppressed ecstatic joy I told her I was so honored to meet her. She sat down in the one chair that could fit in the living room and explained to us that she wasn't able to go to church that night because of physical ailments including pains in her back and ankles. Kenyon asked if we could lay hands on her as we prayed, and she agreed. Brother Grey asked Kenyon to start us off, and we all joined in a concert prayer. Caroline's sweet prayers were more like weeping, and as I prayed for her, I kept getting an image of a beautiful swan. I figured this was a picture of the beauty of her soul.

After the Amen was spoken, Kenyon encouraged them in their ministry, saying that they have great influence in the neighborhood, and that he got an image while we were praying that the angels surrounding their house are like huge offensive linemen in football. Likewise, I shared with Caroline the swan and her beauty.
As we left Brother and Sister Grey's house in overwhelmed joy, we found that we were heading towards the 7Eleven. "Looks like we are going to talk to Kim," Kenyon said. So we told her everything that happened, and Kenyon shared Psalm 139 with her, and we told that she is beautiful and God sees her as beautiful. With that, we felt that our mission was accomplished and went home.

Love is War

2010-10-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

Last night before I fell asleep. I wrote this in my journal:
Are we going to wrestle with God like Jacob and not let go until we are blessed and overcome? God desires our relationship with Him to be the reverse of the Fall -- the serpent said, "Did God really say?" Therefore now we must war and resolve despite circumstances and what we see to say, "God you REALLY said..." It pleases Him for us to approach Him boldly with Word in hand and say, "GOD YOU REALLY SAID!" Reciting back to Him His Words like, "Ask for anything in my name and you shall receive."

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Jesus talk on Facebook Chat

2010-10-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Today one of my brothers in Jesus taught me something new

Stephen: there is so much to deal with daily
but what Ive learned is that it should feel easy when youre on the winning side

hmm

that made me think a lot

Me:

yeah?

S:
yes, about Jesus

when he was crucified

I mean, I think God let him feel the pain to prove how much he loved us. wow oh my gosh

because God usually does the opposite Steven was telling me

Me:

revelation! yay!

usually martyrs dont really feel pain as much because God helps to let them pass peacefully

but not Jesus

he got the bad end of all of it until death

Me:

omw i see what you mean now

yeah i've heard that too about martyrs

oh yea?

wow

I didnt even think about that

Jesus was made to feel pain like a normal man...

like a man without God

Me:

woah

that part makes it hit home

"like a man without God"

woah

"God is efficient"

2010-10-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

You were the one who chased my demons away. A darkness deeply lodged sticking to the walls of my heart like the oil in yesterday's headlines becoming a coating gradually indiscriminate from everything inside. Prayers choked, and the light of faith barely glowing. Before she disappeared it wasn't like that, but you never knew. All it took was one night, one morning, one touch of God, and we were both free. You will never know how deep and how far reaching that pain was, therefore you will never know how much you mean to me.
We stayed up all night in the Prayer Room, pacing, minds racing, contemplating, the greatness of God, murmuring prayers, and connecting the dots. You warned me of the surrounding dangers, and then morning dawned, and by a poke of God you told me your life story. It was just before getting in the car. You faced me squarely and without flinching told me who you were, and the person before me never changed. In my mind you were the same. My brother. Then two girls asked us for a ride home so we went all the way across town, and headed straight back the way we came. The stories you told of hurting those closest to you who tried to help you most stirred up memories in me that the Holy Ghost rode down to the depths of me and plumbed the pain out of my soul and I wept for my friends like I had never wept before. I had no idea what was going on around me, just that I could barely see the highway beyond my hands on the steering wheel through blurry teared eyes. "When I saw how much you hurt for your friends it made me realize how much I must have hurt my parents..." Somehow, a mysterious transaction took place and in light of seeing my pain you were able to see what you had done to others and the reality of who you were sank into your heart coloring it with true repentance. Then the light of Jesus burst forth and heaven came down to earth inside your soul and there was no turning back.
Stunned, I watched you laugh, cry, yell ecstatically, shake everyone around you and rant, "God is REAL! You're not crazy...I'm not crazy...they're not crazy!...We can raise dead people!...I thought you were CRAZY! when you talked about Holy laughter...(covers mouth with hands and bursts out laughing)...this is nice...really nice! This is the best thing EVER!! I actually feel for the first time what I know and I know what I feel and it all makes sense...Jesus DIED for ME! (covers mouth and screams)...and I don't have to do ANYthing! All my sins are gone and I don't have to do ANYthing! everything is so much more beautiful, look at that tree, and the grass! I can see it so much more clearly now...This is so COOL! I feel like I can actually fly! We can HEAL people! I've always wanted super powers! You have no idea -- for the first time in my life I REALLY BELIEVE! I don't doubt anymore. The voices are gone, and there's just. Silence. This is so nice....God is REAL!!!..."
And so you went. For FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT.And there was no way I could enter into the state of ecstasy you were in and truly rejoice with you because you were on top of a REALLY high mountain, so I just took it all in with awe, pondering in my heart the fact that I was witnessing possibly one of the greatest moments, if not the greatest moment in someone's life, and the light of it was so bright that it shone into my prison cell and I found my way out because my pain and your joy were one and the same now and light swallows up darkness. You were the first answer to countless face planted, knee-worn, heart weary prayers begging God to allow me the privilege and joy of witnessing someone get saved. God answered. Of course He had to show off in the process and stay true to Scripture because it was an experience far more than I could have ever hoped or imagined. From that moment forward the prayers started to flow again, but now with real, forcible FAITH that did not doubt that the great I AM can do absolutely ANYthing.
And this lasted months. Two weeks ago at the prayer meeting I was racked by fear and afflicted by the enemy. I could barely breathe, I could barely look people in the eye. But then you walked in, and you sat down and you stared at me, and it pierced through everything. Just by looking at me I felt like everything was going to be okay and you chased my demons away. (You're right, you do have super powers.) This is why I cannot bare to face you now, knowing that I could not do what you had done for me, and that is all that I desperately want -- to show you how much I love, and to be what you were for me. The last three days have been self-afflicted hell because I can't bare the reality of what I did to you. I determined secretly in my heart that I was not fit to have friends, especially not such noble ones as I have been graced with, and that I should just disappear from all. It would be better for me not to be around others if this is what I end up doing. But then Holy Spirit got in the way, and I wish He hadn't. He gave me a warning through a dream, and thwarted my plans. So that is why I am even bothering to write this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eex2hbfzUx8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9L_xxexYrY&feature=related

My Narnian Friend

2010-09-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

Kate...where have the angels taken you?
When did doing everything right turn out so wrong?
So brave so bold,
You took the world upon your shoulders when it never belonged there.
Together we found an adventure
You dreamed, I danced
a Divine romance.
Kate...Where have the angels taken you?
Swords drawn, spirits high 'neath darkened sky we raised a battle cry,
marching round till rain poured down
with heavenly ecstasy.
Are you free?
Are you where you wanted to be?
Do you ever look back and wonder if you took a wrong step?
Emaciated, and worn you looked like hell, down the railroad tracks you fell.
Scraped and bruised yet undeterred.
Face like flint on a self-destruction stint,
yet you thought you went to save a soul.
When did blessings become a curse inside of you?
Perseverance to stubbornness
Tenacity to carelessness
Love to insanity?
When has love ever been sane? Was the love of my Savior sane?
Emaciated and worn, he looked like hell, the place exactly to which He fell
from the nails in His hands He was scraped and bruised.
Face like flint on a self-destruction stint to save our souls.
"He has demons," they say, "He can't even save Himself"
Breaking Breaking Breaking
all the religious protocol
...you followed suit.
Kate, where have the angels taken you?
Now I ask myself, did she go the distance?
When you lost your mind what did you find?
Was it the Narnian lands we dreamed of?
Did Darkness become as Light my Narnian friend?
Did you see the Lion's face?
The burning of your heart suddenly seemingly dim in the light of the fiery flames in His eyes?
When I look at you, I see the magnification of all that I thought I should be...
I have too many questions. Like strings rising from my fingers without balloons.
...Kate where have the angels taken you?
On the frontlines, look down the ranks, look there's a gap right next to me where you're supposed to be
You should be fighting by my side
didn't you ever read I Corinthians 12:26?
But I believe I believe
even in the darkest depths the Lion walks right next to you and
I believe I believe
although no one can find you the Lion's eye will never let you go.
So I'm waiting for that day, to be completely blown away
because no one can recognize you in bright array,
dazzling from within the light of the Son.
So come back please come back my Narnian friend
Come back please come back
come out of hiding
Please
...Kate where have the angels taken you?

Where My Thoughts Go...

2010-04-11T19:58:00.001-07:00

pushing out against the sides inside all I want is to feel to feel in colors live bright live colors never dry but when I taste the grace I'm filled filled so that it runs flowing overflowing like I can't contain and I can't contain I must not, because if those waters are held back, the wellspring dries up, vaporizes
there is more in there I know
more than I know
dark covers sparkling with diamonds giving light the colors are freedom first staggering stuttuering the pump is rusty the water trickles
a flesh pump the place where glory dwells
Born singing given a name for a reason
the most important things slip our minds.
strip it down scratch the scales the layers and layers leave me bare
purity is color, color is living with wings on feet
a vague sense given but not realized and striving always blindly in the wrong way but then sometimes there is a dawning moment it electrifies the mind bringing back to my senses the clear bare necessities of life
I never want to stop perpetual motion is color never changing but always in motion
a dance it's rising up
the heart words must come
don't bring it too late but
let the Father bring it in and let it out
there is still more the heart words must come
Oh praise to the Father the colorful one the guide of my hands the whisper into my thoughts
the voice of my song the teacher of my instrument the author of my life the giver of blessings
The Bright One He is Holy
heart is pierced the arrow true
a dove settles and
purple loses its luster--that ardour which illumines our pathways
so bright because too many times we lose our way
and so the story continues
we may never know all of it
the many threads they weave our
Author weaves the grand scheme of things
to my brother his smile his curly hair and that Hoogland smile with the big teeth
he has hope the little boy says with his thumb in the dam
the Dutch always come up with something
so we shrug our shoulders and walk away
the grey sky smouldering
in for rest until the next day in desperate want for a different day anywhere but
"hear" the sheep whispers to the goat
they are friends but they don't go hand in hand
and humor is so much more present than we know
let us find it
the ball is round but so is the earth and it has nothing to rest on
the balance so fine
we can't find it in one day, but if we stop long enough maybe we'll find the sign that points us
in the right direction.
He has nothing to hide, nor do I
just mine looks lost for words
Finding a trail of words the same it's always got to be going deeper
must always let out the heart of the matter
So much is chaff and the wind burns
so we cover up
let us clothe ourselves with the nakedness of Christ
live transparently and let it hurt
the lies are there and we must learn to recognize them
Don't want these words, Don't want my blessing nor my own consolation
Just
HIM

Blessed be Israel

2010-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

Psalm 122:6-9 (NIV)

6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
"May those who love you be secure.

7 May there be peace within your walls
and security within your citadels."

8 For the sake of my brothers and friends,
I will say, "Peace be within you."

9 For the sake of the house of the LORD our God,
I will seek your prosperity.

It has been a long hard journey, but now I can look back and see what has been accomplished by it. During this intermission between semesters, I have had plenty of time to reflect and absorb words of knowledge and Scriptures that have shed light on a recent season of my life that was rife with confusion and spiritual struggle. Indeed, the passage in Ephesians 4 described me in an undesirable sense and I spent many prayers in tears over that Scripture. I wanted rest from being tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. Well, now I have weathered the storm and I can say that I have visited ideas and concepts that would appear as strange and formidable lands to the people I come from--my ancestors that is, my "Christian cultural heritage." Coming from a family with roots deep in the Christian Reformed denomination--that is, I have two grandfathers, a number of uncles, and great grandfathers that were/are pastors, pillars even, of the Christian Reformed faith--it is hard for my immediate family to understand or accept that I now regularly attend a Jewish Messianic Church. The funny thing is, I didn't start attending because of a revelation or conviction about the Father's love for the Jewish people, but through a conviction about keeping the Sabbath holy. I am beginning to see this as the means for me to come to love the Jewish people and learn about YHVH from the Messianic perspective. I have been blessed to grasp the breadth of YHVH's sovereignty and faithfulness in a new way by learning about the festivals as the Father's way of creating a cycle of life to separate His people from the cycle of death that is in the world; a cycle that was meant to constantly bring His people closer to Him. I have learned about how this faithfulness to His people did not diminish when Christ died and rose again, but will continue until all things are accomplished. I have learned that there is much wisdom and revelation to be gained from those who understand the Hebraic language and culture when interpreting the Bible, which can clear misconceptions Christians have apart from that knowledge. I have learned that the culture of dance and song is derived from an expression of worship and that they can be one and the same. I have also learned that the God of the Old Testament who parted the Red Sea and rained down bread from heaven is still in operation today as a miraculous wonder working God.

Finally, in my journey passing through many denominations and observing each one with a weighing eye, I have learned that indeed Paul was right when he wrote in Romans 3:22, "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." What once used to be a matter of confusion and disappointment is now almost a consolation as the Word has sealed me with peace in explaining my discovery. I used to beat myself over the head with the problem that every denomination I went to seemed to say something different and yet claimed to have the truth, and I used to be despaired with trying to discern the "right one." If I were to give any advice from what I've learned, it would be number one never to take your eyes off of Christ when the waves start crashing in around you--always trust Him as the author and perfecter of your faith--and secondly to move forward with patience and without rushing. Demons will try to take advantage of a Christian in this state of vulnerability and hound them to the verge of insanity. But the Lord will not let one hair fall from your head without His knowledge. Demons will sew ridiculous conclusions and fear as the Christian tries to flounder through a new and unfamiliar sea of doctrine, and for a time or season they may even succeed especially if the Christian is not protected by a church authority/covering of wise counsel and prayer by more mature Christians. To illustrate this, I will give a story from my own recent journey.

As I began investigating a certain doctrine about the Sabbath and the mark of the Beast, I was led to believe that I had been under deception my whole life and that in fact the good I thought I had been doing was actually leading people into demon-worship and I therefore, out of fear, decided I needed to cut myself off from all other Christians and cease the ministry I had been doing. In other words, isolate myself, condemn myself. This was a very dark and confusing period of time that lasted about a week. That same week two of my dear sisters in Christ had very disturbing dreams about me although I had never communicated my intentions to anyone. The first sister, Sarah Conley, told me she had a dream about me in which something demonic came in between our friendship. It was so vivid and so disturbing that she said that she skipped class that day to weep and fast and intercede for me. Wow. A couple days later Rodelyn told me that in her dream it was very dark and I was acting demonic--crawling on the ground on all fours snarling and twisting metal and that I was hurting myself and I was hurting others. She said it gave her great fear even long after she woke up. This was enough for me to open up and tell them what I had come to, and to turn from it. The following week, Sarah also messaged me with a revelation she received about me during prayer. I want to include it here because it holds nuggets of wisdom:
Sarah M Conley April 24, 2009 at 11:37am
Hello and good morning, my sister! I hope you made it through this week.

So, this morning, while I was talking to the Lord, I had a picture pop into my head. It, I believe, is what Rodelyn saw in her dream of you the other night. I saw you "twisting the metal in the ground." I asked the Lord what he was trying to say, and I heard the word "meddle" as referring to the metal being twisted from the dream. When searching out the scriptures, the Holy Spirit highlighted this verse to me...
" Like one who seizes a dog by the ears
is the passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own."
- Proverbs 26:17
So, I know that this may all sound a bit crazy at this point, but here is the interpretation of the goodness of the Lord :). I think it might help.

When a dog is angry and barking and attacking, many times, fear rises up in man. You know, it is the fight or flight complex... but it is fear that usually rises up. This fear can cause man to do irrational things in effort to stop the object of fear from continuing in it's attack. This is what Solomon was likening the idea of someone getting in the middle of something that is not their battle to fight.

Ok, hopefully this next paragraph gives full clarification. I believe it was the plan of the enemy to cause you to fear the [certain doctrine], just like someone may fear a barking dog. The enemy then intended for this fear to cause you to seek to get in the middle of the problem with the doctrine, or in the case of the proverb, to grab the dog by the ears (which leads to a person getting bit by the dog.) The grabbing the dog by the ears represents an attempt to control the situation out of fear. In the dream, the enemy's plan for you was to twist metal, or as we now see through the eyes of the proverb, to meddle in the confusion of the [doctrine]. By getting you to do this, he would then be able to bring you down with the same lies that you first discerned and disagreed with.

Here is the hope in all of this. The plans of the enemy have been revealed and shall not prevail in your life. You are a woman who will not irrationally react in fear, but rather will respond in patience, kindness, and love. You are one who trusts the Lord fully to protect you, and therefore will not seek to control to protect yourself. You are a woman who fully trusts in the Lord. You are not one who intervenes in the middle of a mess, but rather stays in the protection of the Lord, the lover of your soul. You will not go down into the ground twisting metal, but you will be lifted up high for your trust is in the Lord and His word that he has forever placed upon your heart. You are a woman established upon Jesus, the Rock.

You may do what you want with all of this, but I really felt Holy Spirit's leading in sending this to you. I exhort you to forever allow yourself to be fully established in Jesus, your Rock, the author and perfecter of your faith. Do not allow the lies that others live under to jump off and shadow over your head. Rather, trust in the Lord's protection and trust that His blood shall prevail over these lies.

A note... I know that you have a heart to pray for and intercede for others. Many times, as an intercessor, we seek to carry around the burdens of others, even after prayer. It is in the time of prayer that we must carry and lay down those burdens to the cross of Jesus and trust that He will prevail in setting the captives free. It is all about laying it down at Jesus feet. :)

Well, I hope all of this helps, and finds you encouraged in your soul. May peace rest over you and replace all confusion. In times of confusion, look to the Word, and to the face of Jesus. He is not the author of confusion, and will therefore, guide you by his Spirit to bring you into a place of wisdom, order, and understanding.

In Christ
Sarah Michelle

The Lord is a good Shepherd and I am convinced that nothing in life, neither demons nor angels can separate me from His love. It was not an easy journey that I took to come to the beliefs I have about Israel, but I am grateful, and I praise His Holy Name.

Jeremiah 31:10
"Hear the word of the LORD, O nations; proclaim it in distant coastlands: 'He who scattered Israel will gather them and will watch over his flock like a shepherd.'

Undignified (And the Walls are Coming Down)

2009-09-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about OUR KING. He is moving and shaking. Let me tell you a story.

Last Saturday I was having Sabbath with the Lord at Griffy Lake. I have a special spot by the creek where I go often to meet with Him. Towards the end of my time there, I felt impressed to read the book of Joshua. When I got to chapter 5:13-15, I thought, “I need to tell Kate this!”(she is a close sister in Christ who is staying at my apartment right now). I continued reading until the walls came down and then I just worshiped and told the Lord, “I want to do that! Would you show me some place, and time, and way to do that?” I was imagining walking around the campus, but I wanted the Lord to direct me. As I was reflecting, Kate called. I thought maybe she wanted to watch the chronicles of Narnia with me, but I was thinking, I would rather have a real adventure with her!

Here’s a summary of our conversation:

Kate: are you home right now?
Me: no, what’s up?

K: um, when do you think you will be home?

Me: pretty soon

K: okay, well, I have something to share with you, should I tell you now?
Me: SURE!!

K: ok..so last night I had a dream and you and I were walking around Maxwell Terrace together proclaiming the Word of God—Speaking Scripture…Do you want to do that with me?

Me: YES

So after I hung up it all dawned on me that I had just asked the Lord to show me a way in which I could be like Joshua walking around the walls of Jericho less than 10 minutes ago!! As everything started coming together my joy and exultation rose and I biked hard praising the Lord all the way home. I was so excited. Back at the apartment I told Kate all the incredible details of how God had orchestrated this event. We spent 5 minutes just in reverent awe and praise. Look out the balcony window Kate said, “and this is exactly how it was in my dream. The sky was just like this, and the atmosphere was just like this in my dream. I thought that in my dream it was just the break of dawn because the light was dim just like now, but it is because it is overcast. Wow Lord” we looked at the overcast sky—it was threatening rain.

After getting my Bible, an umbrella, and my phone, we headed out. I set my alarm so that I wouldn’t be late for playing in the opera at 7:40pm, but I felt convicted that the Lord wanted me to trust Him with the timing and that I would get there alright and that I should turn off the phone. After much protesting and debate, with myself, I finally turned it off and left it in the Lord’s hands. I felt convicted to drop the umbrella too so I did.

As we took our first few steps, we saw a butterfly just in front of us above our heads. “Look!” I said, “Look at how it’s flying! That is so unusual!! How weird! Butterflies don’t usually fly like that!” We watched it glide and circle—it was SOARING “What?!! It’s flying like an eagle!! It’s soaring like an eagle, look at that! Kate that is so weird! Butterflies DON”T FLY LIKE THAT!” Then I began quoting Psalm 103 that says He shall cause you to renew your strength like the eagles’. I was ecstatic, Kate was in awe. I took it as a sign from the Lord. (as I thought about it later, I pieced it together with something that had happened earlier that day when I was at Griffy Lake—a red dragon fly landed on my Bible, and then it landed on my hand. It stayed still for a long time so I got a good chance to study it. In admiration, I praised the Lord for His complex little creation and asked Him what He wanted me to learn from it. It’s wings took hold of my attention the most—they were absolutely the thinnest, most delicate things I had ever seen. They were so transparent as to look like nothing even filled in the spaces between the webbed filigree that shaped his wings. It stunned me so much that these diaphanous little wings could actually carry the dragon fly along in the air. It seemed impossible the more I studied those wings. I concluded that the Lord was showing me His sovereign creativity and ability to do anything through this dragonfly—I connected this with the butterfly that is so delicate, yet there it was soaring like an eagle. Maybe butterflies do this once and awhile—but I’ve never seen it before—usually they are going every CRAZY which way, and they remind me a lot of myself…God is mysterious) “God is EVERYWHERE!!” Kate kept exclaiming. As we continued, I said, “wouldn’t it be cool if God held off the rain until we finished 7 laps? “ So I dropped my umbrella. We decided to go around 7 times, and as we went we proclaimed Scripture, sometimes dancing, sometimes singing, sometimes just exclaiming how wonderful our King is. We prayed for awakening in the hearts that live at Maxwell Terrace. People were going in and out, but it didn’t quiet us. By about the fourth lap we noticed that Sherne-Marie was in her car with praise music turned up, rocking out to the Lord. We were so encouraged by this that it made us giddy. By about the fifth lap it started to rain lightly and we noticed that Josiah and Caleb were sitting out on their balcony so we went over to stop and talk. We shared our story of the Lord’s ingenuity for the day. They said that they were going to go play soccer but decided not to when it started raining (I know now why it started raining before we finished 7 laps—God has higher plans). By the time we had finished 7 laps Sherne was now dancing in the rain with her car door open letting out the praise music. We joined her. It was so joyous. We went all out, no shame. Marcia saw us and she came out and started dancing too, singing a song about how David danced before the Lord with all His might and said, “I will become even more undignified than this.” We shouted out to Josiah to join us, and he came out praising the Lord with so much joy. I was so touched by the joy in his face. As we continued shouting, dancing, and singing, Jennifer with her little cousin and Chelsey walked up—they had just come from the park. Jen went up soon to keep little Travis out of the rain, but Chelsey stayed and worshipped with us. I don’t know how it was initiated, but then we gathered together in a huddle and started praying. It was beautiful. Josiah had to go to a party, so he went in to change. Chelsey and Kate stood with their eyes closed and their hands up in reverence. Sherne started rolling on the ground in the puddles saying, “This is the best day of my life!” It truly was remarkable that she wasn’t getting fatigued. Next thing I know she is anointing Josiah with oil and praying over him. Then she asked if she could anoint me. She didn’t just dot her finger with it, she poured it on my head! I was brought to my knees because it was such a humbling honor. She started laughing and dumped the rest on. Then she whispered in my ear some words of encouragment that are between me and God. As soon as she finished I had just enough time to change into concert dress for the opera. Marcia drove, and lo and behold God worked out the timing so that we passed Grace just as she was leaving Maxwell to go to the opera as well, so we gave her a ride. Praise God who holds and sustains all things.

A Sweet Potato and Absurd Grace

2009-06-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

The other day as I was eating my sweet potato (topped with melted marshmallows!), I was in the type of mood that clouds out the light of the Son because I cannot see past my failures, and so I became thoughtful about how sweet potatoes never disappoint me. I am always satisfied when I eat a sweet potato. How wonderful, I thought, to be something that never disappoints, that carries out it's purpose in life perfectly... Great. So this sweet potato has accomplished more than I have. I just want to carry out my purpose in life and satisfy God. This sweet potato has attained what I feel like I strain, and falter and wear myself out searching for.

2 Corinthians 4:7
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

The Hummingbird and the Law

2009-06-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

This week has been challenging, and honestly pretty rough spiritually and emotionally. After falling into self-hatred, on Wednesday night I fell asleep crying out to God. In the morning I woke up, still half asleep, with the overwhelming sensation of comfort and security, and Scriptures about my identity in Christ running through my head, simultaneously, I was remembering the dream I had just had--I had forget-me-nots growing out of my knuckles, and some guy had forget-me-nots growing out of his eyebrows, and there were several tiny little hummingbirds feeding on the flowers. So that was Thursday morning, and this morning (Friday) when I got back from my run, I sat on Rodelyn's front porch to read the Bible, and I had just finished reading a chapter from the OT, and started reading Psalm 71 which begins "In you oh Lord I put my trust.." and an irregular, intermitten buzzing noise caught my attention. There in front of me, in the bushes, was a hummingbird! I watched, mesmerized, as it flitted about for about half a minute, and left as quickly as it came.
As I process this experience and draw conclusions from it, I realize that first of all, an encounter with a hummingbird is already a special thing, even a gift from God, even a specific reminder from Him of His love. And in fact, that is how it is with any encounter with creation--the sunsets, the flowers are all meant to remind us of God's love--it's all from Him, for us...But then to have this dream come to life, and as an answer to my crying out, was just...so personal.
One other conclusion hit me over the head as I continued my musing this morning; the flowers grew on the hand and the foreheard. This is significant in Scripture--I looked it up and found Deuteronomy 6:4-8 "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."

and Revelation 22:3-5
"No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. ⁴They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. ⁵There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever."

and Hebrews 10:16
"This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds."

The command in Deuteronomy to write and bind the law on the hand and the forehead is a figurative way of saying that the people of God should both know and do His commands. And the greatest command is love, and God Himself is writing it on my heart and mind.

ADDITION TO THE HUMMINGBIRD STORY!! :D

God is amazing my friends. Since the first encounter, I have had two more! Out of His beautiful, whimsical, tender heart, God has decided to send me hummingbirds as His little messengers to remind me that He loves me, He's listening, and to write His law of love on my head and hand. Two weeks ago I found myself again in the throes of theological tumult. Anxt-ridden, I felt my mind begin to darken with confusion, and thank God, since I've been through this before, I knew after the second day that the only thing I could do was to take a Sabbath and just set my burden at Jesus' feet. So on a Saturday, I went down to Griffy Lake, a beautiful day, my guitar, Bible, journal, book, and a secluded inlet, sitting on a large fallen tree bridge. After worshipping some time, I entered into prayer, during which I was visited by a solitary hummingbird!! I sat in awe as he came to a halt two feet in front of me, and then proceeded to come another foot closer as if to get a good look at me and to make sure he had my attention! I left Griffy with a peace that transcends understanding and it lasted me through the week. Hallelujiah Hallelujiah Hallelujiah. Our Lord Reigns! God is living my friends and His heart is lovely to behold. Worship Him in gladness all ye saints. Call on His name and delight in His ways. Glory.

The next encounter was on the following Tuesday. My dearest sister in Christ Rodelyn asked if we could meet for prayer, and chose a little stone bench in the corner of the Presidents Garden. It was a haven of peace in the middle of the bustling campus. About 20 minutes into prayer, Rodi started praying with her eyes open--praising God as she took everything in. I followed suit, and just as I had finished my first request to God to provide us with divine opportunities for the gospel, low and behold a hummingbird positioned itself right in front of us for a few moments and then flew away. WOW! I love my God. Everyone needs to know Him. I can't imagine life without Him. He's awesome. He's brilliant. He's beyond comprehension. He'll come at a moment's notice. He'll wait a lifetime. Words utterly fail before Him. Who will seek Him? Come, let us seek Him. He gives us strength for the journey.

ADDITION TO THE HUMMINGBIRD STORY II! July 15, 2010

It's a shame I didn't write these hummingbird sightings down right away so that I could keep record of the exact dates...I'll give it my best shot. The first was in CA again--during the music camp. We were at Dr. Hensley's house for a cookout and I was in the back yard looking around. I happened to be looking up into a pine tree when a hummingbird flew right into my line of vision way up in the pine tree, paused, and then took off.

The second was actually while taking a shower back at the apartment, maybe two weeks ago. I had the window open because our air broke down. The view is actually quite lovely because that side of our apartment is shaded by a tall and substantial stand of bamboo trees accompanying a great willow. The same thing happened as each time before--the hummingbird paused directly in my line of vision, and then took off.

...I could explain it away as chance...hahahahaha. shoot. I know God created that bird, and I know He wants to give me joy just like every other person in all creation...sunsets, peonies, mountains...squirrels...blobfish. Sometimes, when I think about it. I can't keep myself from laughing. I love Him.

ADDITION TO THE HUMMINGBIRD STORY III!!!
August 8, 2010

On average, how often do people see hummingbirds? I wonder. It gives me joy beyond belief. Such a tiny thing... So today I was just talking with Rodelyn out on her balcony about God's goodness and planting flowers, and then one showed up right in front of me!! It was right next to Rodelyn, like inches away from her, but she had her back turned. It paused for a second as it always does and then zoomed away. Only God could possibly know the indescribable joy this gives to my heart. The other cool part is that two nights ago I had another dream about hummingbirds. This time there were two, and they were kind of puffy looking, like when birds puff their feathers in winter. I gathered that one was male and one was female, and the supposed male one was picking off red berries from a tree and feeding them to the supposed female one. Why is God so incredible to me? I don't understand. I love Him I love Him I love Him.

Today has just been an awesome Jesus-filled day too. I'm seeing so many people open up to him and find their relationship with him and it's so beautiful.
In church (Foot of the Cross @ the Pourhouse 10am!) Matt is walking us through Galatians, and today he talked about chapter 4, driving home what sonship in God looks like verses slavery, or religion. very powerful (podcast: www.fotc.us). I'm falling in love with the church like I never expected to. Follow Jesus, wherever He goes, it's so simple. Anyways, afterward, Chelsey, Steven, Stefano and I went to Noodles and Steven bought for both me and Stefano -- he's amazing. As we're waiting for our food, Jim the custodian from Trinity walks in, which reminds me that I'm supposed to be at Renovo at 1pm! So we head over after eating and serve. I meet Rob there who David Gregg and I met two years back when we lived on the streets for a week (read about it: www.renovoministries.org) to get to know the homeless community, and Rob was the one who looked out for us, gave us shelter. Rob has continually been an amazing story of God's love and grace, and I'm so blessed to witness it. He just shared how he was walking down the street, homeless, jobless and this guy he knew for like a week working over at Shanti yelled across the street to him, "Hey, you want a job?" and Rob was employed at Taste of India just like that. Then he shared several stories about God's provision in his time of need. The main one was about his scooter which he purchased two years ago and was stolen. Some drunk guy stole it, stopped 100 yards away from his house to take a piss and fell over. The cops found the scooter lying on the side of the road and through some God orchestrated turn of events, Rob learned of this just this past week. Some kind people paid the waiver, and offered to give him a ride to pick it up. He said this with tears in his eyes. This wonderfully humble middle aged man with tattooes all over his arms, big and rough looking crying because he sees the grace of God in His life. I'm all joy. He goes on. Once it was so cold and he had to sleep outside and he didn't know what to do except to steal a sleeping bag off of someone's clothesline, even though he didn't want to steal he wanted to stay warm. On his way over to this house he passes a dumpster that has freshly cleaned sweaters in sealed dry cleaning bags. Some lady notices him rummaging and asks him if he could use a big comforter, some sheets, and some pillows. Halleluyah. He says this has happened numerous times in his life. "People think I'm crazy for saying this, but...whenever I want something and I go out and look for it I can never find it, but whenever I need something it will always show up when I'm not looking for it. Or I will pick something up that I don't think I need and then a couple of days later it will be exactly what I need. mmm. Matthew 6:25-34...

...I decided to look up hummingbirds on wiki. I'm pretty sure every one I've seen so far is a female ruby-throat, like the picture above...Fun fact--myth: Aztecs wore hummingbird talismans, the talismans being representations as well as actual hummingbird fetishes formed from parts of real hummingbirds: emblematic for their vigor, energy and propensity to do work along with their sharp beaks that mimic instruments of weaponry, bloodletting, penetration and intimacy. Hummingbird talismans were prized as drawing sexual potency, energy, vigor and skill at arms and warfareto the wearer

Tracking Shane

2009-06-06T15:17:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been engrossed in Shane's writings. I resonate. Thanks to my BF Rodelyn, who introduced me with his speeches on youtube, now I've completed his book Irresitible Revolution, and have just started Becoming the Answers to Our Prayers. Already on the first few pages is a delightful little story about Mother Teresa that I want to capture.

Mother Teresa was once asked in an interview, "What do you say when you
pray?" She replied, "Nothing, I just listen." So then the reporter
asked, "Well then, what does God say to you?" Her answer: "Nothing
much, He just listens."

The saints say prayer is less about what we say and more about being with the one we love. Prayer is about having a romance with the Divine. The more deeply we are in love with someone, the less we have to say. In fact, a sure sign that we know someone deeply is the ability to enjoy one another without words--to simply admire each other.

Shane also quotes John Perkins and refers to him as a prominent figure in community justice development and racial reconciliation. I'm like, hey, wait a minute. I met John Perkins. I had dinner with him and my Intervarsity mission team at a chineses buffet in Mississippi. The memory kicks up other memories from the trip like our drive back to the church from our meeting with Mr. Perkins in the big van, all of us were charged up and filled with inspiration, dreaming to bring redemption back to Bloomington...But it was the unexpected discovery of fear of black people in myself that really turned out to be the seed for those dreams to take root at all. While in Mississippi, I learned that although I've never had a discriminatory disposition towards blacks, I did have a well hidden, subtle fear, that kept me from believing that blacks could love me and accept me for who I was. I grew up in a neighborhood that was equally black and white. My friends growing up were consistently both black and white, but mostly black. However, I had a few experiences like being chased with a knife, and being jumped twice, and hearing of shootings by our school, and being teased by groups of black kids as I walked home from school, and living across the street from both the vicelords and the gangsters' disciples that must've colored my understanding of how black people saw me.

Anyways, I'm taking a roundabout way to get to the question that I want to focus on, now, seriously. What am I going to do with my life? I'm getting a masters in music education. I have a heart for the poor, and racial reconciliation. I am thinking of taking all this to the inner city.

Simultaneously, I am reading a book called And Still We Rise--The Trials and Triumphs of Twelve Inner-City Students which was given to me by a dear friend, Nicole, on her wedding day. I'm trying to fit the pieces together...

Better Change for the Better

2009-06-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what one phone call can do. From someone who's just brimming with the love of Christ that even my most bitter defenses to keep this heart shut up tight are penetrated and that little bit of warmth melts thick layers so I can breathe again. JennySue is one of those lovely motherly women who can tell when something's wrong just by the first few words spoken over the phone, and cares. I don't understand how someone can love me as much as she does when I have done nothing for it. Every time she calls she says "I love you sugar. You call me whenever you need to, I mean it." This woman has no home. She has no vehicle. She has pneumonia, and she just broke her ankle. Her son just got out of jail, and is heading in a bad direction again. She's been praying for him faithfully his whole life. Despite all this EVERY time we talk she is praising the Lord. In contrast, I have been living at my best friend's house in California with several of my other dear friends, eating amazing food nonstop (and chocolate), and sleeping on memory foam every night (if you have it, you know what I mean), and preparing to teach music to little kids next week (which is my career goal)....and yet, I have been bitter, hard hearted, and ungrateful all week. Definitely haven't been praising the Lord like JennySue. Isn't that something..."Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven..."

Matthew 16:24-26
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"

I wanna lose my life...uhh, but how?

...Speaking of life altering phone calls...the other day I got a voice mail from the police in Bloomington saying that one of my friends was just reported missing. How does that happen? GOD?! That's so messed up. It makes me so mad. I don't give a *&$#! that he's a middle aged, previously homeless man. People can't just fall through the cracks like that. It makes me mad at the church that prohibited from coming to our night (student) services, it makes me mad that if he only had a community like I had, this would never happen. People to call him up randomly and just tell him that he's loved...okay, okay. so mostly I'm mad at myself..because the Lord spoke to me about him awhile back, prodding, whispering for me to check up on him, but I didn't. Well, Rob definitely knows how to fend for himself on the streets. He's my favorite story from Renovo. He invited us into his "home" the week my friends and "went homeless" last summer. After spending some time with us he said, "I don't feel like such a homeless bum anymore because of you," and he got a job as a chef at Shanti the Indian restaurant on Kirkwood, and then got an apartment for himself, and then a scooter so that he could travel to a nearby town to visit his two little twin boys. Whenever they are mentioned, be it ever so briefly, his blue eyes will well up in an instant. This man, uncomely as he may look sometimes (though he cleaned up really well, and could actually pass as one of my uncles), has more love in his heart for his two boys than I have in my little finger... Yet another beautiful person that brings me lower to see what love really is, leaving me in a humbled, awed, mess. God. Love is piercing. and it's not even pretty. it's wild and real. i don't know.

I'm starting to think my life is upside down.

I played my violin senior recital downtown this year so some of my friends that live on the streets could attend. Afterwards, Willy came up to me and in his usual soft-spoken, rather meloncholy manner and with a twinkle in his eye, handed me a little gold cross studded with diamonds, hanging off of a tattered piece of bright blue ribbon. "An angel must have dropped it," he said. Willy is an artist. He paints countless canvases; they are highly imaginative and whimsical. He sells them for $5 or gives them away for free. I have one in my living room that has a canoe with my name painted on it. When I tell him that he could sell them for far more, he says something like, "People pay too much for stuff anyways...I don't need the money, it's not about that after all." Yet again, my life is in stark contrast. My parents pay for everything. I have no needs. Yet this little cross is now one of my most treasured possessions. Sometimes I want to sell everything and see. I want to know what it's like to live like that. Could I? I don't know. Sometimes I'm even scared to ask what holds me back because then I'm face to face with the choice of whether I'm going to confront those things or not. Well, what the heck, I'm thinking them now, and Jesus would have to be the one to pull me through something like that anyways so I'll just write them down anyhow.
1.) my parents and their investments in me
2.)my education--it's a privilege
3.)what would I do with everything?
4.)I'm afraid...and actually more attatched to my possessions than I like to admit to myself

After reading Shane Claiborne's "Irresistable Revolution" I've been thinking about this a lot more. It's been something that has always been deep inside somewhere. It's a deeply seeded conviction that I've had since as long as I can remember--even as a little child I told my parents I wanted to be a missionary doctor..and through my teens I was convinced that living like Mother Teresa was the only way to truely live a life sold out for Christ. (I know that's not true...well, not literally, but in principal, I'd still say yes). Now I'm about to pursue my masters at the top music institution in the nation for music education. My parents are forking over hundreds of thousands...I'm always wondering if I'm going the way I want to go. The way I should go...

Colored Signs

2009-05-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

Through the power of Jesus Christ, I believe that we are made for each moment and that every moment before this one was created for this one moment (this one, right now), that they all culminate to this moment (this one right now, as you are reading), and so it goes, hurtling into the future. And we can only account for this because of Jesus Christ because without him the string of moments unravels and are simply moments scattered without purpose, but all staring each other in the face trying to figure out how to stay put together, like a coat that is missing the stitches, it isn't stitched together. But Jesus Christ stitches us together so that he sends us out of our warm comfortable dark ignorance and like stepping out into a winter storm, face the world as it really is.
And see! see how He breathes into you so that you can breathe
Breathe warm breath into the cold
stir life
make things happen
An adventure where one can look back and exclaim "Yes, now I know why He had me cross that perilous river, or climb that gigantic cliff. Now I know why. Why each step of the way."
(Because I am ere, now, In this moment!)
And along the way we must look for the signs because they are there, but the world has covered them up so that we think being lost is the way it should be. And some perhaps some catch a glance a glimmer of the edge of one poking through the bushes that have swallowed it up.
But they will continue wondering because it doesn't look like a sign to them. For, they don't even know what a sign is.
Perhaps no one has told them. Maybe they've seen hundreds of signs and are curious about them, or just assume that they are simply part of the bushes or whatever else latches on to it and tries to eat it away. So, they might at first trhy eating them, or use them for javeline throwing contests!
Lord knows.
But what is anything unless we learn? And how do we learn?
We are taught by others. Or else, through trial and error--with an acute awareness of our body's response. For we have not mere bodies, but souls as well!
And what are these signs? What do they look like? Anyone would say that a good sign is meant to be seen. It should stand out from its surroundings. Ah, but someone, some wretched trickster has painted them, covering their luster. And submitting them to shrouded existence in the ashen grey he has succeeded in dusting the whole land with. But sometimes, when it rains, bits of paint are washed, revealing patches of their true bright colors.
Colors of
joy (that's sky blue)
peace (that's cream) shrouded with apathy (that's grey)
patience (that's purple) shrouded with laziness (that's grey)
kindness (that's rose) shrouded with selfishness (that's grey)
goodness (that's yellow) shrouded with bitterness (that's grey)
faithfulness (that's dark green) shrouded with jealousy (that's grey)
gentleness (that's deep purple) shrouded by gossip (that's grey)
self control ( that's red) shrouded by pride (that's grey
and love (that's gold) shrouded by lust and hate (that's grey)

So here we come with the knowledge of these signs, and a taste of the delicious colors
seeking
and upon finding, using the tools we've been given to scrape away the paint
using our fingernails if we have to,
continuously refining our tools,
working for each other so we can find our way home.

Brilliant Busted Thoughts

2009-05-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

0How mysterious life is! I can see why David said we are fearfully and wonderfully made. For on a morning like this after years of stressful searching and finally finding fortitude I gather a sigh with the trees under a stormy sky and recollect those other souls in my sphere with increasing wonder at the impressions each one makes on my heart, accumulating into a pang indescribable.

I feel that my time has been worthwhile laboring over these words, even if unread by others, but if so, I pray that the reader finds some value like hope, wisdom, or comfort there.
As God took out His majestic pen and recorded goodness out of already blessed goodness, He poured out His soul--His all! He claimed His unfathomable imaginations, and delighted, rejoiced. More than just a poem, a song, or a dance; a great singing dancing sacred artwork. For "Beauty is love that has taken form."

Writing lets one know that the soul is still alive. Indeed, I know, I discover my humannes--that the inner fire of the soul is burning, not just with tongues of flame, but dancing forms and truths. When I write, I take a part in creation. The abstract and fleeting imaginations, and half conceived brilliant stabs of wisdom are brought out of the darkness, and as each thought comes I have to refocus as the details show themselves in the light, and snatch them before they swim away back down into the depths of my thoughts. Once on paper, I can claim them, wonder at them, and adjust them closer and closer to the vague concept burning in my soul. As the concept works into its real self and winks at me like a perfected diamond in the sun, I rejoice and delight in the goodness I could create out of the confusions of myself.

When ripples send smooth body over tumults breathe quietly the humm of magpies ticking like clocks augmented from the fifth tone wafting inside the hall curing bled songs to cry so healthy it can't be getting dark the little boy whispered heart full of warmth with little else but knowlede can comply if applied somewhere good indeed with an ant who could build a castle pinnacles sting the colors bright in the evening and all that's heard is c'est la vie que tout le monde a quelque temps. une fois deux fois nous venons a la table avec le createur du ciel incorporé les poissons rouges, il donne le chapeaux aux enfers qui n'est pas heureuse comme jeudi avants vendredi parce que la mer a oublié les mains que l'a donne nâitre. pour le soleil n'est pas grand et le ciel est trop petit apporter en la bouche de la chat. je sais de les petits poissons qui éspere pour un plus beau jour. bon chance.

My neighbor will often sit at home without work or worth, and year after year string up another burden on his back. By and by, when the summer rain eat up the light, and quickly gather into heavy storm, he will break sleep of body, weary breath will mouth the word that bring the morn, and thorn will never hinder again. Away from the gallows he will climb with laughter to kindly kiss the sun. The warm shine will shoot silver through mouth to limb, and hither to sea wash sin and sadness.

I slip through spaces and jump through tangles in my mind. The bright sun as it rises has many guests to welcome it back home. home of azure, robins egg blue, soft crisp eyes in golden tears. the song plays over and over again in my head. the violin soothes the mind. why do people try to cover up so much? I guess it's because we have a lot to cover up. there is so much to do, to let along, to concern oneself with. It doesn't end. At least there is always hope.

To A Redwood Tree

2009-05-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Dark and soft, womb of soil,
youthful seed no scheme of dwelling thee could make,
nor mother guidance to prompt thy leaves unfoil
Yet thee determined to wake.

Soon steady upward goes
till tender green head peers up towards the heavens
that trace the nights, days, the years thou dost grows.
Pray for patience 'neath thy brethren

Who sing it all along
knowing joys of being green and growing brown,
with wisdom dissonant 'gainst life's barren song
gripped by murm'ring roots work down.

Dost thou tire of such a pace?
So agonizing slow, heavenwardly rise.
Would I to have such solitary grace
'midst ignorant faults despise.

Yet thee whispers sweetly,
"First spread thy roots before thy wings to fly--
and thee shall progress however discretely
towards form in Maker's eye."

God Speaks Clearly

2009-05-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

So last night I asked the Lord what I should do the next day, and He told me to go on a prayer run. So today I woke up at 7:30am and first had a little scrap with the devil who told me, "Why don't you just go back to bed?" But Christ encouraged me to go and I prevailed. I went my usual prayer route down Maxwell, up Henderson, down Kirwood, and around the courthouse, and as I passed the library on the way back, I felt like the Lord wanted me to touch each stone seat and claim the place for Christ. After some resistance and conscience prodding I relented. Then as I just passed Peoples' Park on my way home, I felt the Lord wanted me to go back and pray over the park. Again I resisted, but my conscience wouldn't let me keep going, so I found myself sitting in the middle of the park praying, and loking around and asking the Lord what I should do next. Then Dorothy the bag lady caught my attention across the street. (She's this little old lady that carries around a shopping cart full of Lord knows what, and refuses to live in a house even though she's rich--the story goes that she went crazy after her husband died...) The moment I saw her, a memory flashed across my mind that I recognized to be a dream that I must've had recently, but wasn't able to remember; It was a changed Dorothy, filled with light and peace, her carts were gone, and the prevailing sense was freedom. I was startled, so I said Lord, I agree with you and I claim that! What should I do now? He told me to just go and say good morning to her and show her some love by carrying on a friendly conversation. So I did. The whole time she was closed, uneasy, and trying to get away, but friendly and polite. As she excused herself, I asked for a hug, knowing she wouldn't accept, and she said, "Oh no, I don't do that." So I just replied, "Oh, well someday then," and ran off. I made it all the way to Maxwell, but the whole way I felt a voice saying "Your work isn't finished yet, go back, I'm not done with you." I finally had to stop and argue with the Lord about it. It seemed absured to me, and I was tired, and hungry, and faint, and I was given no objective to go back, but just to go back because my work wasn't finished. I must've paced back and forth several times, nearly heading home defiantly, but I was encouraged by a couple of thoughts: I had nothing else really to do that day, so why not? It was an adventure. And also, if the Lord used my obedience the first time, why couldn't or wouldn't He do it a second time? So I gave in and turned back, telling the Lord that I was too tired to run, so if He ad a plan for me, then He was able in all His sovereignty to arrange the circumstances to work out with the timing of me walking. The whole time the devil was telling me that it was absured, but I kept going, telling the Lord that He better confirm this act of obedience to me.
I arrived at Peoples' Park at the very same time as this older gentleman I know from Renovo pulled up on his bike. He wiped the rain off the picnic table seat and sat down, so I followed suit just a table over. Immediately, he picked up a conversation with me, and immediately all of my judgements about hime were rocked. I learned that he was very kind, carried pleasant and intelligent conversation, and that his name is Big Jim. He talked mostly about music--it's a big part of his life, although he's not a performer--he listens to CDs about 12 hours or so each day, and commented multiple times on his love for the Tchaikovsky ballet Swan Lake. We discussed Joshua Bell, John Mellencamp, Elton John. At a certain point early on in the conversation he asked me my last name (which is funny because that was precisely what I had just wanted to ask him). When he found out it is Hoogland, he immediately brought up Hoagie Charmical, who's real name is actually Hoogland, which I hadn't previously known. This was very exciting for him as Hoagie was his favorite artist, and he has a very poignant memory relating to him. It brought him back to the hardest time in his life when all at once his wife divorced him, his favorite cat died, and Hoagie Charmical died. He said it was too much for him to handle, and he cried a lot, but he also got a phone call the rectified the whole situation. He had just gotten employment with the gravestone company, and they asked him to set Hoagie's gravestone (you can find it here in Bloomington). He said, "I believe that was from God," and I readily agreed. After more conversing, I found out that one of his brothers is a mayor or something of Bloomington, and his sister works in the library, and he looks like a bum because he lives off of his army pension and doesn't do much but listen to music. At the end he said, "I do believe God destined us to meet. Just meeting a beautiful girl that plays violin with the name Hoagie is really [a blessing] to me," and he said God must've brought him there too. He left promptly, and I sat around asking the Lord what I should do next. I decided the Lord had completed his work with me for the time being, and jogged home rejoicing and marveling the whole way. I praised God knowing that I had listened to HIS voice, and no other, and the consequence was SO GOOD. I learned that
1)God speaks clearly, if we will only listen, but often we don't want to, and what He asks for seems foolish at first
2)God wants to bless, and He wants to use His willing servants to do it, and even the smallest act of obedience is of great worth and is never wasted.
3) Faith involves real conversation with God, and pro-acting before understanding--it involves a willingness of sacrifice for te sake of pleasing Him.
4) For the first time, I think, I am realizing that God wants to be in direct conversation with me. I can argue with him and it's okay--He doesn't hold it against me--He would rather that than have no communication at all. He actually wants me to tell him my opinions, my requests, to reason with Him. He broke me from the mindset of servant into the freedom of friend
Galatians 4:7 says, "So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, than an heir through God."
Ephesians 2:13 says, "But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ...[he has abolished the law of commandments expressed in ordinances]...and reconciles us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility...so you are no longer strangers and aliens, but fellow citizens with the saints..."
And now I have tasted friendship with Christ. I pray that anyone who reads this and hasn't had this revelation may have it, and seek it out.
Confirmation Through Scripture
When I finally got home from my run, I picked up my devotional Bible for the first time in awhile and turned to today's date. The passage that the Lord used to speak to me through was II Samuel 23:13-23
In short, David is in a cave craving water from the well of Bethlehem. Three of his mighty men actually risk their lives to retrieve that very water for him. (I found this foolish.) David is so touched by their sacrifice that he refuses to drink it. Then the narrator goes on to explain two stories of two valiant men that accomplished many great things in battle; many incredible feats like conquering 300 men at once, yet the Scripture says that the first three men exceeded them--the account of retrieving the water is the only description given to us of their actions. The Lord revealed to me through this passage that a small act of service done with great love for their king was greater in His eyes than many impressive victories. It reminds me of Mother Theresa saying, "We can don no great things, just small things with great love. it is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." Also, "We are called not to be successful, but to be faithful." This is an incredible confirmation for me because of the amazing way God spoke to me on my run today, and I thought it was foolish at first, but the Lord revealed that His foolishness is wiser than man's wisdom. Praise God!

Saturday May 10, 2008

2009-03-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

My friends, their stories each one precious and I want to tell each one. They are what make my life vibrant. I live through their stories, and my own is only a collection of theirs. I love them more than my own. We can pour our love into anything, but we must pour it into something, otherwise it dies. (Jesus poured his into death, and made it live) I wish I could find the way to give like that. I can't suppress it. I live in a world of imagination. This imagination becomes my romance with the divine. When I strip away the story line, this neurotic narrative of spirit dimension floating through the daily processes of my brain like an incessant melody that curbs each thought into a new story all its own--like a hand compulsively collecting, independently, a word said here, a phrase from yesterday, images of reality, connecting them with images of inborn mystique. If I strip that away, cussing at it as I kick it our the door--telling it it is foolish and cripples me--then melody is gone. My heart no longer sings, and the light of joy becomes dim...

2008-08-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I had slept over at Rodelyn's because we got back from a bike outing with Jared, Gregory, and Matthew which turned into visiting Andrew and then Kristen Koning until 3am. We woke up the next morning around 9, and had pancakes, eggs and sausage and iced coffee over at the twins'. We then went to the Farmer's Market to buy food for Renovo. I got a ride from Logan and Isabella, while the others biked. It was a crazy morning because the church wasn't available, and I didn't have a car to buy the rest of the groceries. It was a long stressful game of phone tag until we finally got into the Shalom Center around 2pm. We cooked Ratatouille. Ha, but I had left one of the packages of sausages on the meat counter at Kroger, So I had to take Jared's car back to get them...
Back at the SC, everyone was either tired or having a rough time emotionally, including myself. So wonderful Megan Gunder got everyone two tubs of icecream (strawberry cheesecake, and moosetracks)...The Ratatouille turned out really well, thanks to Marcia's intuition, David's spice skills, and Rodelyn's kitchen know-how. A man named Tim who volunteers regularly at the SC showed us where to refrigerate it. He was a very helpful, wonderful man full of energy expressed in very active hand gestures. He commented many times on what a wonderful thing Renovo is to this community, especially during the summer. This has been happening a lot lately with various people.
We got done around 4:30, and I had to immediately go home to prepare for the Renovo Dinner Party. I made greek pizza and it turned out splendidly. The boys bought salad, and Lora and Rodelyn helped cook. This day I experienced intense community and incredible interchange of service.
Those present at the dinner were Baizil, David, Jared, Matthew, Gregory, Lora, Rodelyn, and Mark. I can't help but smile just thinking about it. We prayed on the living room floor, and crowded everyone around the dining room table. David and Jared shared a seat to my left. Rodelyn and I shared a seat. We barely fit. Conversation was full of laughter. Afterwards, I thought we could use a game to throw off the stress of the day, so we played telelphone pictionary. It wasn't too far into the game when I received a call from a friend who needed prayer. We resumed the game with much jollity, and by the end everyone but myself was exhausted. We talked a little about going homeless, but people were too tired to really make any real discussion, so I decided to kick people out. So we prayed on the living room floor again. It was good, Spirit-filled prayer. I was expecially touched by Caleb's prayer--a confession of needing to be nearer to God...People filtered out except for David, Mark, and Baizil whom I conferred with on praying for direction. Then David and I talked about the homeless venture, and Mark stayed the night on the couch. In the morning we went to the 9:30 service.
Pastor Bob said that ECC is going back to three services in order to have a variety of preaching styles in order to meet more people, and also it's out of faith that God will fill the seats! Praise God!
After the service I met David and Rob on Kirkwood to have "church" with the homeless on Kirkwood that we find. It ended up being 5 of us in Peoples' Park, including Daniel, Rob, and a man named Charlie who's first words to me were about his spaceship that he's building...

A vision is refreshed

2008-08-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Psalm 105
"He remembers his covenant forever, the word he commanded, for a thousand generations."

I feel foolish for doubting. Two years ago the Holy Spirit gave me visions for Bloomington, and I fell into doubt, and even forgot part of it, but now He is fulfilling it. Now! Wow. The basic word from Him was that His Holy Spirit is going to descend on Bloomington and bring transformation like a flood of water and light. Part of that included the unity of churches adn believers in Bloomington, and the other part was that the barriers between the homeless and Christians would be removed so that there would be no distinction, no prejudices, no judgements, just brotherhood...and that we would all be praising God together. That is happening. I'm so excited, I can't contain it. Another part of the vision was the scene in C.S. Lewis's "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader," where they come to the edge of the world before Aslan's country, and as they draw nearer, the light grows brighter and brighter, and there are lilies covering the waters, and the water is sweet, and when they drink it, it gives them increasing strength to tolerate the increasing light. The past week has been like that for me. Each day has been sweeter and sweeter because I feel like I'm shedding weights and the Holy Spirit is pressing in around me and filling me with this strength. Through prayer I have grown to realize that the statement "God is always speaking," is in fact true, I've come to expect to hear His voice. It is a still small voice, but for some reason, it is so clear right now.

Role'n

2008-05-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

The biggest question for my life right now: What is God's role, and what is my role? My thoughts get tangled up in knots when I think about this. It's so huge. How I answer it effects whether I stop or go, say yes or no, every decision I make. Periodically I wander in the trap of becoming a fatalist rather than a follower of Christ. It is the type of mindset that is always "waiting on the Lord." It is blown about by every wind of chance and circumstance, riding the ebb and flow of emotions, meanwhile steadfastly exclaiming "God is in control." When full grown, we recognize this sin to be called sloth. If given full reign, the attitude that says "I don't have any plans, I'm just going to go wherever God leads me," eventually turns into paralysis and a few steps further becomes bitterness against God for not doing His share when stagnation and empty-handedness are the results of a so called trust in God.
Once pulled out this pit, and given a sound whack upside the head, I rush in the opposite direction like a chicken with its head cut off..or a person still groggy from being woken up out of sleep. In blind desperation I'll find myself in another pit on the other side of the straight and narrow path. On this side--the other extreme--is a hypercontrolling mindset. Words like micromanagement, control freak, worry, and power trip come to mind. This mindset says "God I can't trust you or anyone else to do things for me. I am going to be a responsible and mature Christian and get things done.
The problem for me comes in weighing the Scripture on both sides:
For the first:
Isaiah 30:18
Psalm 27:14
Proverbs 49:13-14
Ephesians 2:9
Proverbs 21:30

The Second:
Proverbs 20:18
Galatians 5:23
2 Peter 1:6
2 Timothy 1:7
Titus 2:5

As Alfred said, it is the last sentence of this well-known poem that is most important:
"Lord grant me the courage to change what I must and the serenity to accept that which I can't and the wisdom to know the difference."
Of the two pitfalls I see the first as being more common. It's because it's easier. It's a tragedy when God becomes our excuse not to make the most of life; when we rationalize out our failures, missed opportunities, and wasted moments with "God's grace," instead of making the extra effort to consider what could be done better. Cheap grace. That's what we make it. I wonder if this mindset is unique to the American culture, or the well-off in general.
This has been on my mind and heart heavily recently because of having the role of "director" for Renovo. The challenge has to do with what decisions I'm supposed to and allowed to make.
The conclusion I come to:The structure for our lives as Christians, what is expected from us is already laid out in the Bible. For instance, "Pure and faultless religion is this: to take care of widows and orphans in their distress." How many Christians do you know that adhere to this? I don't know, it just seems to me like we call on God for direction while ignoring the map He's already given us. We want Him to tell us college to go to, what to do after we graduate, what to do with our summers...We want Him to answer to us, when He's waiting on us. Too many times I ask God to do what He has asked me to do.

My Favorite Verse

2008-05-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 5:7

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission."

To me that is the most awesome thing. Loud cries? Jesus you prayed for your own salvation from death? That same salvation for your death that would be ours? You, God Almighty, who was there at the beginning as it states in John 1, you prayed for your own salvation?

This week I have set aside for the intention of "drawing closer to God." But all I've experienced so far is doubt, confusion, and frustration with the seeming futility of prayer. Then I begin to wonder what it was like for Jesus to pray. Did He doubt? Did He ever feel like He was just talking to the dark like a crazy person? He petitioned. So that sounds like He didn't just assume that shooting up one prayer was purchasing His answer from God the Father ticket. He prayed with tears. Well, that explains a lot. At least for those times when I've just wailed for hours in prayer; it's His spirit groaning, praying through me when words cannot express. How I wish all my prayer were like that! I guess I'm just in a funk right now. As I've taken the time to reflect on this past year, I have come up with a lot of regrets. One huge one having to do with a friend close to my heart who I pray for everyday to come to Christ. I regret that he no longer considers me a friend because of my overt desire for him to know Christ...but I think I'm starting to realize that if I don't let go of this regret then I will never be able to enter His rest, because it comes out of unbelief. Unbelief that God is a God who "calls things that aren't as though they were," and who "makes beauty out of ashes," and who "makes everything beautiful in its time." Sure, I pretty much suck at being tactful and wise, and well, rational. But man, where's my faith? Jesus! I'm so glad you are faithful when we are not!!! It always comes back to Jesus, doesn't it? Yeah, hallelujiah. I can live with that, because I know there is no one like Him. His heart astounds me.

Unearthing the rich history of Renovo

2008-02-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

Deuteronomy 32:7Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past. Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders, and they will explain to you.
Psalm 42:4These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

I have just finished taking the time to read over the very first Renovo blogs, written by Amy Wolfe at its conception, before it even had a name. I am astounded. I praise and thank God that He put it on her heart to record all that she did.
"Its funny to look back nearly three months later to see how far God has brought us. And I will continue to write the stories, because I do know it is important to remember the intricacies of God's hand. As of now, we have had four events, about to have our fifth lunch. Our volunteer base has grown from 9 to 85. Our leadership team has grown from 5 to 11 and at least 3 of the 11 feel a call to take this to a global level" (Amy).
So much went into it--so much prayer, trust, listening, and earnestness--resulting in a wealth of unusual and lovely stories, and JOY. Now that I think of it, my own first experiences at Renovo are not too far off--sitting on a stone wall alongside the sidewalk with Abraham and his harmonica, teaching me blues and how to witness for Jesus on the streets...Praying with Susan to fight alcoholism...breaking up a fight between two men twice my size and age, and preaching the peace of Christ...there really is so much, and it's all filled with so much color and light in my memory. So it's with great effort that I bring forth the question, "What happened?" The words choke me because first of all because it implies a falling away, but also because I simply don't like thinking about the past with 'what ifs;' to me, it somehow seems to undermine the soverignty of God over history. Well then, I have chosen my weapon: a double edged sword. Yes, God is sovereign over the course that Renovo has taken, and yes, we have not done things perfectly. Already, I sense that I cannot move forward, without prayer. I am grieving the loss of the visions. I am grieving the loss of the type of fellowship that seemed to be so tightly knit into prayer and just walking with minds set on Jesus. There were visions for Renovo to go global! Even I had caught that vision. I am grieving the loss of my own visions--of healing, and joining together with guests and volunteers alike praising God in song, and spreading the light of Christ throughout Bloomington, flooding it.
So what happened? What IS happening? Maybe it's just because moving into a "director" role has forced me to see things more practically, up-close, and demanding real responsibility. But I know that that is not the whole story, and so I have to ask, are we in a period of pruning? If that is the case, then God is preparing us to build up in a new way, to strike forward with hearts attentitive, listening for His voice. So if you read this, you should (read the old Renovo blogs at:http://renovo-ministries.blogspot.com/) and give thanks with me for what God has done, and is going to continue to do in this ministry.
Some things to praise God for already this semester are:
*Mateo rising to the occasion and leading cooking on Saturdays
*a dedicated and heads-on -straight cooking core group
*the first Crestmont youth outreach event taking place despite many set backs
*continued food, financial, and space provision
* continued interest of volunteers, and all with amazing hearts
*grace from the rest of the leadership team (Andrew, Ben, Beth, Lauren, and Alfred) as I constantly drop the ball

It's time for me to awaken from my slumber of selfishness, and heed the call with courage! Turn back to Christ!
Isaiah 40:31but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I can see why atheists laugh.

2007-12-18T20:32:00.000-08:00

Deuteronomy 14:2
"For you are a holy people [set apart] to the Lord your God; and the Lord has chosen you to be a peculiar people to Himself, above all the nations on the earth." (Amplified Bible)

The other day I was praying for a very long time and it was very intense. Afterwards I felt compelled to write about it:
How strange
that I like thinking on what I cannot understand.
How peculiar that I would rather be in this state of indescribable awe rather than live in complete conscious control of my life.
I would rather sit here on the floor forever
contemplating your greatness, in communion with you
than ever leave
Being raw before you where your Spirit intertwines with mine
I overflow with thanks and praise as I recall all your works
All of your answers to my prayers
and I don't want to leave.
I feel complete in this humble state.
As I move to get up I sit back down
Food has no appeal next to being in your presence.
How strange that it is real,
That giving thanks to you fills me more than any other thing.
Giving praise to you excites my soul
awakening my soul.
So this is what it means to be,
"Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."
My life in light of this moment seems to be lived out so blindly
Oh that I could live in this broken state!
How strange that I pray without expecting anything to happen...
But then it does
He answers.
Even though we come to Him like customers with words and requests
and our hearts far from Him,
yet He answers.
And now I have unfolded from my sweet posture of abandon,
turning to my selfish thoughts again.
But the mystery of You draws me back to stupified adoration.
Why do you choose to share your heart with me as you are,
in love with this person?
when I cannot change [their heart]?
And what can I do,
when what you have placed in my power and asked me to do,
I fail at doing?
"The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant know to them." Ps. 25:14
I want to praise you with all my heart. I want to sing to you,
but the sorrow in my heart for a lost loved one continues the silence.
Rejoicing seems out of place.
When I committed my troubled spirit to the Lord, I said,
"Lord, to you I commit these feelings."
And behold! Like Moses with his staff, the Lord cracked me open as the rock that gushed forth water.
I was brought to the floor with wailing.
Tears I did not know I had sprung forth from the depths of a well dug deep into the house of the Lord.
If I did not fear disturbing others, I am sure the anguish of my soul would have wracked my body to the point of rendering it inside out.
I cried out to you for the deliverance of a loved one.
I said, I refuse to let go of hope.
In your great mercy, oh God
I choose to continue to hope.

*******
I wrote this, maybe three days ago. Since then I have come home for Christmas break and have not been setting aside time for prayer, nor desiring to. Instead, I've been surfing the internet reading and listening to atheists' arguments against Christianity. Why? Well, I haven't been praying because I've been lazy, and I've been investigating these arguments because the "loved one" in my prayer is obviously an atheist. Even before the glow of that moment had faded, I thought it a very strange thing; now I slip on the shoes of an atheist, letting some of their criticisms come to life as I read over my prayer, and I find myself laughing almost cynically at it. Now that the baton has been passed, self-critiquing cynical thoughts, and reasons explaining this "spiritual experience" take off from the blocks. "There is a scientific explanation for the fluxuating of your emotions, and you have chosen to call it a spiritual experience...it seems counterproductive--"I would rather sit here on the floor forever.."? Even detrimental! What a waste of time, couldn't you have been doing something else that would actually be beneficial to yourself or society? What if your prayer isn't answered?" Even before the runner is out of breath, the baton is handed off to the next runner. "So do you still consider this a spiritual experience? Why would you continue believing if it can be explained away and seems silly?" This must be a sprint medley because the corner is rounded and the next runner is off with the baton. "Paul said that he was a slave to Christ.1 Corinthians 7:23
You were bought with a price [purchased with a preciousness and paid for by Christ]; then do not yield yourselves up to become [in your own estimation] slaves to men [but consider yourselves slaves to Christ]..huh, that really makes sense now. Romans 8:39 says that "nothing can seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." The homestretch is now in view as the baton is passed to the anchor, his name is Reason. "Aha! Yes, semantics, it's all purely semantics! Of course it can all be explained away by science, but that's just the thing of it--it's what name I choose to subscribe to. Do I choose to leave it as the names of science and reason, or do I choose to love a name, acknowledging it to be in authority over these things? It's no wonder the NAME of Jesus Christ is made out to be such a huge deal in the Bible. Who wants to be forgotten? But that's what this world is trying to do--erase His name from the memory of the earth. It may seem completely stubborn, silly, unreasonable, and foolish to the atheist and theist alike, but isn't that what love is famous for? I have been pierced by cupid's arrow, I have been taken captive by His Words."
*******
This is not an argument for the existence of God. No one argued me into believing in God, I was wooed by the Almighty Himself. This is simply the track of my thought, my heart laid bare for you to poke holes into if you wish.

Thanks and Praise

2007-08-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Psalm 100:4"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name."

It seems to me that I cannot stop at thanks; I must move into the the realm of praise--closer to the inner sanctuary, the holy of holies. With all that the Lord has blessed me with, my heart overflows with thanks, but I realized with dismay that my heart isn't inclined to praise. I can give thanks for what He has done for me in my life, but praising Him simply for who He is seems like a whole other level because it is wholly other focused. Giving thanks to God for what He has done in my life is great, I know because the Bible tells me so (1 Thessalonians 5:18"...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."), but I wonder if it can morph into the Pharisee's prayer if not coupled with praise; Luke 18:10-14: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11The Pharisee stood up and prayed about[a] himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'
13"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'
14"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."
But back to Psalm 100:4...It reminds me of the verse in John 10:9, "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture." So we meet Jesus. We enter His kingdom overwhelmed with thanksgiving and gratefulness for introducing us to His grace by sacrificing His life on the cross to save us from our sin and make us clean. But that is just the beginning. Suddenly I have a bird's-eye-view on a person way below standing just inside an open gate that opens up to an expanse of green that has no end. The dismay at the condition of my heart changes to joy and excitement as I realize that I am facing a limitless exploration of God. Why is this exciting? Because I can never go backwards, only forwards, and going forwards means newness, and newness means life, and life means color, and it's brilliant and bright, and it's a living and breathing being that I'm exploring! What's more, one that loves me, one that is love...

And now...presenting the best part of my day

2007-07-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

When I decided (no no, when I obeyed God's urging) to take one hour out of the middle of each day to pray, I had hoped to get a full fledged prayer meeting running for the rest of the summer. There was a nice one going during the Spring semester for the school of music students that met twice a week, and I figured why stop during the summer? Besides, I could use the encouragement. No one joined me, but God was still up to something. After about three days of sitting on the music library steps by myself, God opened my eyes to the need for the truth in that place by opening up conversations with friends who want faith, but struggle to claim it. I thought I had a heart for people before, but God pierced me for a moment with the type of compassion that Jesus expressed as recorded in Matthew 9:36, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Here I was, reveling in the freedom and wonder of God's grace and truth daily while others still wander about searching. If only I had the words! If only I were like Jesus, then maybe I could be of some help. My impassioned attempts to enlighten a friend to the truth only seem to leave them more distant than before...

A Hollah to Hizzaks (His acts) word.

2007-07-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

So i want to record what the Master has done in my life. Hindsight is 20/20, so now it's easy for me to see how He has mercifully been in and through everything, and recording everything would be impossible, especially for a blog.. But there are times when He has so graciously opened my eyes so that in the present moment I could catch a glimpse into His deep and profound love, and I want to remind myself, and tell you of what He has done for me. Here I will start out with merely a list, and maybe, hopefully sometime in the future I will get around to actually filling it out.

Edit Post

Reflecting upon this post, I came to realize that I was intending to record just the moments of seeing God that stick out to me the most. And they are so bright and vivid because they pierced the heavy darkness that I was in at the time. That darkness was often a mixture of doubt, confusion, depression, anxiety, and emptiness. However, it's not that I see Him less otherwise because I am not in darkness, instead it is daily that He opens my eyes to more and more. Psalm 36:9 says, "In His light we see light." So, while I will continue recording bits and pieces of "Hizzacts" out of my feeble memory, let this first be clear: God has already revealed Himself to man through general revelation (creation/life), and through specific revelation (Scripture--the Bible), and what I record is my awakening to these two things as I walk with God.

1. okay so I grew up in a Christian home, in a church with sound doctrine, and blessed with many opportunities to develop in many different ways
The Lord Jesus Chirst is my God and He has established me.
2. part of growing up with this type of doctrine caused me to develope a sharp sense of sin under a fierce inward eye. As a youngster I knew well what David meant when he said, "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." For periods at a time I constantly felt shame and guilt, and although I knew of the words grace and forgiveness, I could not see, feel, or understand that those words applied to me. As I think about it now, the Lord is surely always speaking this grace and forgiveness to us, and one of the ways I heard it was through my mother who would respond with, "But the Bible says we are forgiven because of Jesus.." when I would cry out to her with, "..but I don't feel forgiven!" So it wasn't until I went to Master Works Music Festival--a Christian performing arts camp in Winona Lake, IN--that my heart finally understood. It was the summer between high school junior and senior year when I decided to consider pursuing music as a degree in college. Going to the camp was a test, to see if I could withstand 4 hours of solo practicing amidst various chamber rehearsals daily. If I came out okay I would go on to audition at colleges and conservatories, but if not then I would ditch it altogether and pursue a scholarship through hockey for college (or so I thought). I think I had always known that I was about mid-to-bottom of the pile as a violinist, but comparing oneself with others is one thing and comparing oneself with perfection is quite another, and I encountered the latter at large that summer. I practiced and practiced. 4 hours a day everyday (I know I skipped a few in there) for 4 weeks, and the majority of that time was spent on one piece which I had already been working on for about a year (Mendelssohn's violin concerto). At the end of the very last week my teacher said I should perform it for master class. There were about 20 other young musicians, and a handful of teachers in the audience, and it was all quite informal. Before I started, my teacher introduced me, and to my astonishment, went on to tell the story about the little kid who drew a picture for his daddy and it wasn't perfect because it was all scribbles, but the daddy loved it anyways and hung it on his fridge because he knew his son gave it from his heart. I remember wondering why in the world she introduced me like that. When I finished I couldn't remember playing half of it, and the other half I could only remember because of all the mistakes that stuck out to me. I had to stay there in front of everybody as I choked back tears while enduring the comments and critiques of the audience. I don't remember whether my teacher said something that prompted me to look up at her or not, but meanwhile I did, and it swept me away. She and her husband were beaming at me, and just smiling, I mean literally beaming! It was the light of Christ shining through them, and I remember (I cherish remembering) hearing God's voice speak clearly to my heart, just as clearly as if I were to sit next to you and speak calmly, strongly into your ear now. "I love you. I have forgiven you." His voice, those words washed aways all my shame and flooded my heart with light so that I could finally see that my worth doesn't lie in how well I perform or in what I do, but I have great worth just because He loves me.
Since then I have had to recall many times this memory of God graciously revealing Himself to me.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my God and He has told me who I am.
3. around the age of 12 I tried really hard to convince myself that the Bible wasn't true and that God is not real. Night after night I wrestled with my thoughts in tears--coming, it felt, to the brink, and the more I tried, angrily yelling in the dark, the more His presence seemed to press in around me.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my God and He has claimed me.
4. All throughout highschool I struggled with depression, but now there is a song in my heart.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my God and He has lifted my head.
5. After a particularly hard day of RA training, feeling distant from God, and two hours of only frustration with the violin I broke down in the practice. Mostly I was being opressed by doubts about His existence, so my prayer was, "If you're there, whoever you are, help me!" I was kicked out of the practice building around midnight. As I was on my way back to Read I saw two figures coming towards me, cutting off my path so that I couldn't avoid being seen in such a broken state. I tried to hurry past them, but they recognized me! "Carrie!" It was Jen Beach and Erika Satterthwaite. They asked what was wrong, and invited me to continue their walk with them. I gratefully accepted, and we walked to the gazebo in the arboretum. There we talked, and prayed for a long time. I remember the prayer well because although I wanted to contribute, I was lost for words, but it didn't matter because they went back and forth without hesitation, praying over me and for me with words that expressed my heart. I went home that night in awe of God's care for me, and for the immediacy with which He responded to my cry.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my God and He is my comforter.